I know you so well my Spirit. Maybe as well as you know me.
Tonight is very cold and I would rather that you just went out in the small, sheltered dog yard, as usual, after dark. I am anxious to have you back inside with me, where it is warm and cozy. You have different ideas though. Tonight you prefer going out into "the big outside", which is what we call our entire property area. I opened the door and everyone raced out into the night: Pirate, Quest and little Journey trying hard to keep up. It is very dark.
I let you go. At first you just moved beyond the lights of the house. You wanted to see the gate and the road below. You barked a warning several times, to any would-be intruders. I thought you would come back then ... Pirate and Journey did. But instead, you wandered down through the apple trees. Something told me that tonight you just needed this freedom. I stopped myself twice when I started to call you back. I worried - but I let you go .... further from me ... out of the light.
A very cold breeze contrasted the warmth at my back as I stood at the doorway watching you move away. I began to wonder why I was letting you go. Why did it seem important to let you be in charge tonight. I worry about the critters that might be out there at night. I know there are deer, coyotes and raccoons. I have seen them. I have concerns about there being Mountain Lions and possibly even bear, though I think it is unlikely - this close. I have heard reports of them a few miles further out. I look for tracks but I don't believe I have ever seen any.
I watched as your silhouette dimmed. You were now only a faint lightness moving through the dark. I became anxious as you disappeared behind trees and then reappeared, barely visible.
I started thinking about pulling on my boots so I could follow you. It troubles me that you can no longer hear me call you - one more step away... I thought maybe I would just quietly stay in the background so you would not think I did not trust you or believe in you. I never want to hurt your pride ... my great dog. I understand the importance of your dignity but you are moving so far away, in the dark, and it scares me.
Then just as you got as far from me as I thought I could possibly let you go ... a large white shape moved out of the darkness and approached you. As it merged with you I saw you touch. I should have known. Quest was with you all along. I needed never to have worried. He simply waited in the shadows until time to give you reassurance. I love that he allows you to go your own way and that he stays back, to let you announce the warnings. He is there to back you up, as am I - but he does it better. I watch the two of you walk slowly up the drive toward the house. If Quest were alone he would be on the run, as usual, but he paces you and you are a beautiful team - partners moving into the light - back to me.
Well, that was earlier in the evening. Now you are laying beside the couch where I can reach down and touch you. Your body is warm and comfy and you are sleeping peacefully. Quest is next to you and the kids, Pi and Journey have put themselves to bed after totally disheveling the covers on my bed. Quest will turn in soon but you will stay with me as you always do. I have watched several mysteries, and one recorded rock concert. Possibly not your choice, but you have always accepted my variety of taste in music, just as you have always accepted everything else about me.
In a minute or so I will whisper, "Let's go to bed". I will help steady your hind quarters as you rise to follow me down the hall. I will keep my hands on your flanks, just long enough to be certain you are stable, then we will join the pack. You will listen to me tell you once again, how very much you mean to me - to all of us.
I am so very grateful to have you - close....
Spirit & Quest
